Sure, you turned out better than everyone you graduated high school with but now that your 20 year class reunion is approaching you get to find out exactly how much better. Here is a quick summary of the point values of your life events since graduation:
Minor Victories (1 – 10 points):
You have better jewelry, a nicer watch, or a cooler cellphone.
Your tan is better.
Your teeth are whiter.
Your airline frequent-flyer status is higher.
You moved away after high school.
You have cooler hobbies.
You are a television or film personality in a foreign country.
You are a professional athlete in minor sport such as rodeo.
You are a professional athlete in a major sport but you get no playtime.
You have received positive news coverage on some aspect of your life.
You have minor celebrities as close friends.
They have appeared in an Internet video without nudity.
They are involved in a multi-level marketing program.
They have a government job with an agency other than the military, NASA, intelligence, or the treasury.
Major Victories (10 – 50 points)
You are better dressed.
Your spouse is hotter and/or famous.
Your car is more expensive.
You have a singular job (The *blank* of *blank*).
They are balding.
They are fat.
They are unemployed.
They are a cult member.
They have facial tattoos or visible body modifications.
They have a felony conviction.
They have appeared in an Internet video with nudity.
They have a non-military job that requires a name tag.
They have at one time been institutionalized.
They are a registered sex offender.
They are an alumnus of a rehab facility.
Fame (50 – 100 points)
You are a Nobel Prize winner.
You won an Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, or Golden Globe.
You are a major professional athlete.
You are a local television or film personality.
You are a national television or film personality.
You are an elected official.
You have an album or book available at mainstream retailers like Wal-Mart or Amazon.com.
TKOs (100 – 500 points)
They cared too much or tried too hard.
They are wearing a hairpiece, girdle, or elevator shoes.
They didn’t show up for the reunion.
They showed up to the reunion drunk.
Tie-Breakers:
Google hits
Facebook/MySpace Friends
Disqualifications:
Any condition in your classmate that prevents you from taking pleasure in being superior results in an automatic disqualification. These include:
Disability
Disfigurement
Terminal Illness
Unimportant Factors:
Marital status.
Number or quality of kids.
Anything that happened while still enrolled in any kind of educational institution.
City you live in (other than hometown).
Bill Cutshall's Weblog 
Minor Victories (1 – 10 points):
You have better jewelry, a nicer watch, or a cooler cellphone. (likely 4 points)
Your airline frequent-flyer status is higher. (ten points)
You moved away after high school. (10 points)
You have cooler hobbies. (fly fishing…no points)
You have minor celebrities as close friends. (5 points)
They are involved in a multi-level marketing program. (I guess that makes negative points for me -10)
Major Victories (10 – 50 points)
You are better dressed. (25 points)
Your car is more expensive. (probably -25)
You have a singular job (The *blank* of *blank*). (OK-50 points)
They are balding. (minus 50 points)
They are fat. (minus 25 points)
They are a cult member. (is the marine corps a cult?)
They have a job that requires a name tag. (its a uniform requirement! -50)
TKOs (100 – 500 points)
They cared too much or tried too hard. (what does this mean?)
They showed up to the reunion drunk. (can I get drunk at?)
Disqualifications:
Any condition in your classmate that prevents you from taking pleasure in being superior results in an automatic disqualification. These include:
Disfigurement: (Isnt baldness or fatness a disfigurement?)
Terminal Illness (Isnt all life terminal?)
So Im going in to this thing at a negative 56. Great.
Comment by Sean — July 29, 2008 @ 11:24 am |
Life may be terminal but is generally not defined as an illness. I will have to modify the name tag bit to exclude military personnel. Baldness and fatness are treated as character flaws rather than disfigurement.
Comment by billcutshall — July 29, 2008 @ 12:00 pm |