Bill Cutshall’s Weblog

November 17, 2008

I am the World Champion

Filed under: Things I am Too Embarrassed to Tell Anyone — billcutshall @ 12:32 pm

Every morning I test my general level of fitness when I put on my pants.  I attempt to get both my underpants and pants on (not simultaneously) from a standing position without bracing myself on a wall.  It sounds like it should be simple but for me it isn’t.  I was never the most flexible person in the world even when I was in great shape but now that I am older and rounder, bending far enough to put on pants while keeping my balance is a challenge.

When I first noticed that putting on my pants unbraced was tricky for me I was a more than a bit dismayed.  The “old man stigma” surrounding that thought was thick and heavy.  Since that moment I have engaged in my secret competition every morning in order to monitor my downhill slide.

The training regimen for this league is both rigorous and surreptitious.  I find places and opportunities during the normal course of my day to practice and test my balance.  I pause on the edge of a step or a curb I am walking down and pay particular attention to not using handrails.  In the several years in which I have been competing, my abilities have actually improved.  I am now able to consistently put on my underpants (as an aside, tighty-whiteys are much more difficult to manage this with than boxers) and pause during any part of the process to hold the pose.  I can also do the same at nearly any point in the pants-ing process.  I imagine that this is how Jet Li puts on his pants but I probably look more like Sammo Hung.

I have no idea how I rate versus the general population and as long as I stay ignorant in that regard I will continue to feel like a world champion every time I successfully clothe my legs without assistance from a wall or piece of furniture.

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